Three Years

Three years ago today, I woke up full of anticipation of the hours to come -- the hours where I expected to meet my newborn daughter. Instead, I would be heartbroken just a few hours later in a way that I could never adequately explain. I'd never wish that pain on any single person or couple.

I now have the benefit of time and distance, but even then - I never had anything but love for the birth mother in that situation, and certainly nothing but love for the baby. On the anniversary of that day, I always wonder what she is like.

Is she as happy, loved, and healthy as my boys? Does she have everything she needs to thrive? I can only wonder because their family situation then was dire, and I just hope that her parents have gotten their schooling completed and are able to provide for their 3 (possibly more now) children.

I know that it wasn't in God's plan for me to raise that sweet baby girl, but I still care that she is doing alright. Maybe someday in Heaven, I'll get to meet her and know that all was well with her life. It would be great to know that she had a happy childhood, and was able to go on and accomplish all of her dreams.

It would only be between today and April 9th that we waited and wondered when our baby would come, but even then - as we waited for James to be born almost 3 years ago -- I waited while holding my breath to see if his birth mother would change her mind at the last minute too. I was jaded, but in the end was pleasantly surprised.

I know that these boys are meant to be ours, and God knows that I love them more than life itself. I just think about that day on it's anniversary every year and just can't help but think of "what if" -- not that it would be better than reality -- just how would it be different type of reflection. How would our family dynamic be different? How would she and Tyler's dynamic be? Just those types of reflective thoughts -- and the hope & prayer that she is out there reaching all of her potential and being loved in the way that every child deserves!