H is for... Hesitant

Adjective: Tentative, unsure, or slow in acting or speaking

When I saw this word today - I knew it was without a doubt one of my biggest character flaws. I'm one of the most hesitant people you'll ever meet. I worry about everything - mainly though, I don't worry about it from the perspective of how any choice would effect me... but how it changes the experience or outcome for everyone else. 

Does that make sense? It drives John crazy. But it is exactly who I am... I am hesitant about everything. Hesitant about making restaurant choices - because I'd rather the other person have what they want. Hesitant about speaking in front of people - because I don't want to say something wrong. Hesitant to say anything when I'm hurt or angry - because I don't want to create a fight. Hesitant to meet new people - because they may or may not like me. 

Its similar to being extremely shy - which is also a big part of who I am. I am incredibly shy and guarded - because I basically want to fade into the woodwork. At the same time, I am desperate to meet people - especially right now because I don't really know anyone around me. 

It makes John nuts that I worry so much about everyone else - and don't just do things. I've never been that girl though - I'm the girl that always sat in the back of the class and prayed (PRAYED) that I'd never get called on. I'd become physically ill if I did get called on... and it got even worse if I had to do any sort of presentation. 

I just am unsure about almost everything. The only place that I am NOT like that - is in my writing. Funny, I can sit behind a screen and be outgoing and lay it all out there. Things that I would NEVER say or attempt in front of live people... but somehow there is safety in "speaking my mind" in this place. I also don't really plan much on what I'm going to write about before it gets written - I just sort of write from my stream of conscious. So you'll notice I write with a lot of "..." which basically is me typing away and needing a minute to flush out my thought. (Just a little look inside the writer brain that I use)

Maybe it's because I've never really had anything other than love and support from folks out there - or maybe it's because there isn't anything unexpected that happens here. I'd 100% real and authentic... BUT, I don't have to deal with the unexpected or step out when I'm unsure. I can think things through before they go up here - and process to the best of my abilities. That doesn't happen face to face.

In the face to face world - I get flustered. Literally beyond anything most of you can imagine - if you put me on the spot... I will literally be unable to breathe. I have been in countless situations with people where I physically can't speak - can't get the words out... because I'm so flustered. I can't fight with people - because my mind goes blank and this "can't speak" stuff happens. 

It's all part of the CRAZY that is me... I am hesitant. I hesitate - and I miss out on a lot because of that.