I didn't say it was completely rational, but I've been feeling like I'm robbing James of being able to be the only grandson for his grandparents for a couple of years... son for John & I... and just in general like I'm cheating him out of something.
We had lunch with some old friends yesterday, and she told me about when she was pregnant with her younger son that she felt like she was cheating on the older one. That was EXACTLY how I have been feeling... and it was so freeing to know that I'm not just neurotic. (Okay, I am... but on this one I'm not alone.)
I guess that I just want James to know that from the bottom of our hearts - we wouldn't change a single thing in the world about waiting for him, or how he came into our lives. We love him as if he grew in my tummy too - only he grew in our hearts LONG before he became a part of our family. We think he is perfect... and I even found myself standing in the kitchen a few minutes ago looking at him and wondering in amazement how we got here.
How did that fantastically adorable boy get to be mine?
Laughing at his MawMaw... I'm still working on getting a photo of his dimple on the right side!
Sleeping on Daddy
My boys... aren't they cute?
Sooooo... anyone else out there had any irrational thoughts while pregnant? Anyone have a fetus in their body that leans on bones - because mine is leaning on my pelvic bone and causing me to walk like my right hip is out of socket.
Oh just wait! It gets way more fun - the kick in the bladder is always a great excitement. The girl use to stretch out and put her feet up under my ribs and her head as far down into my pelvic bone as possible - and then stay that way! -- danielle
ReplyDeleteI think it's perfectly normal to feel a little guilty.... probably guiltier the younger that your oldest is. I feel a little guilty too and my oldest will be 19 months when my second is born so I can only imagine how you feel with James being so young. But just think of all the wonderful things James will enjoy having a brother so close in age! :)
ReplyDeleteI often feel guilty in general for being pregnant again. After going through IVF, I connected with many other infertile women. Two of my friends just went through IVF cycles, and I was terrified to tell them. I even apologized for being pregnant.
ReplyDeleteAfter having a huge age difference with my first two, I actually feel guilty for them being so far apart in age. They love each other so much, and I feel like E waited to long to be a big sis, especially because she is so good at it.
So in a nutshell, I am feeling a bit guilty too;-)
Oh my yes! Been through all sorts of crazy emotions - 6 miscarriages, losing a baby at 23 weeks, and then 18 weeks of bedrest with the one (now 13 year old BiL) we got to keep - when my daughter (my husband's first wife - her Mom - was killed in a car accident when Jess was 6 months old) was 4.5 yrs old - and I felt so guilty that I couldn't do stuff with her - and so many, many other emotions! Like - just generally failing to prepare for BiL's birth - because we kinda didn't really believe we'd get to bring him home!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes - BiL was born at 36 weeks (documented because of a season of infertility) and weighed 9 pounds, 9 ounces at 21.5 inches long. The kid hung out right over my right hip - and it was constantly going out on me. I've wondered if that was a contributing factor toward my need for a total right hip replacement 3 years ago! (Of course, my years of having a BMI in the high 60's didn't help, either!)
Hang in there, girlfriend! Each of these little seasons are an opportunity to pour our hearts out to God and revel in the fact that He loves us so much - even when we're hormonal and irrational! :)
Okay I don't have second-child guilt going on, but with all that has gone on with Zadie's medical stuff lately I've had all kinds of guilt. Like why do I care--aren't I supposed to just accept things in faith with a smile on my face no matter what? Aren't I supposed to say, "none of this matters, she's a blessing either way!" And I feel guilty for NOT being 100% okay with the possibility of the abnormality. So yeah... mommy guilt sucks.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm just one week behind you and I can barely feel her move at all! I definitely haven't had her in an uncomfortable position yet. All I feel is my uterus getting a little bigger and some flutters--maybe next week!
Its completely reasonable to feel these feelings for a variety of reasons. Its normal. Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? You have been given a blessing. A miracle. Know that it is in God's plan.
ReplyDeleteIf you want irrational, I have a good story. With my first I had a dream that I gave birth to a kitten. In my dream, I was disappointed but determined to love the baby no matter what. In my dream I then tried to nurse the kitten and the little teeth hurt so much I gave up and gave up on being mom to a kitten. The next day - while awake - I couldn't handle having our cats anywhere near me.
ReplyDeleteI also felt guilty for being such a bad mom to my first when pg with my second. I hit the "gotta have a nap" phase right about the time she gave up her naps. Then I was also on bedrest for most of my pregnancy so I really wasn't very fun for a 3 year old.
Welcome to the world of Mommmy guilt Every mom feels guilt about something or several somethings and it is usually irrational or out of proportion.
You are a wonderful mom. He knows how much you care about and love him. I am so happy for you that you have your baby James and soon will have your newest blessing too.
ReplyDeleteThose are really great pics:) Hope you feel better soon. I soak in warm tubs, even through the night and it helps. How is work? Blessings,
Just found your blog and look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteYour boys will be BLESSED to be so close to each other.
After being told I needed an immediate hysterectomy ... then being told by a 2nd doc that he would hold off on surgery, but that I had a 2% chance to ever get pregnant ... I got pregnant.
Baby #1 was 14 mo. old when Baby #2 arrived. #2 was 16 mo. when baby #3 arrived. Baby #3 turned 2 the weeks babies #4 and #5 arrived. Yes ... I had 5 babies in 4.5 years, and it was a WONDERFUL blessing. My life was CRAZY busy, but I wouldn't have traded it for anything.
Didn't stop there ... Baby #6 joined us when the twins were 20 months.
Those 6 are all young adults now. So glad we didn't stop after "just 6". I'm still kept crazy busy with the next 6. Yep ... still 6 at home ... and lovin' it.
Each of your children are a BLESSING, no matter how or when the Lord chose to bring them to your family. Mommy guilt is normal, just don't let it overwhelm you. Keep your eyes focused on the Lord, and know that all of this came to pass in His timing and His plan for your family.
Be BLESSED!
Laurel :)