That being said - take a minute to listen to this song that, for lack of a better mental image for you - hit me over the head like a ton of bricks yesterday while I was going to get my pre-church Starbucks.
| Avalon - Always Ha... |
The first words of the song really struck me... because in so many ways - those words put into perspective how I've been feeling this past week. Here - for those that aren't auditory... I'll put the words right here for you to read.
Part of me is the prodigal
Part of me is the other brother
But I think the heart of me
Is really somewhere between them
Some days I'm running wild
Some days we're reconciled
But I wonder all the while
Why you put up with me, when...
I wrestle most days
To find ways to do as I please
Wow, yep... that's me... I've been the "other brother" this week... feeling so cheated, hurt, and angry over the way that this baby thing is going. In some ways, it can be likened to the reaction of a two year old... the "I want it and I want it NOW" routine. It is a hard pill to swallow when you find out that your doctor made a bone-headed move in your opinion, and it cost you a full month's worth of treatment expenses.
Ultimately though, it's in God's plan - and I know that - intellectually, I've always known that... emotionally, not so much.
Why has it felt all week like I've been hanging on by a VERY thin thread? Because I've been fighting with my two sides... I've been trying so desperately to take control over this whole mess and somehow fit that into my faith. It doesn't work that way though - and I'm learning that. Just remember that we are all flawed and some days we struggle more than others.
Throughout the weekend though - a theme kept coming up - over and over... the one thing that I kept thinking about was the fact that it is so incredibly painful for me to be working in the nursery (2 year old class) at church every Sunday. That brings up emotional issues that really - NO Christian woman would be proud to admit. Feelings of jealousy, failure, and just general agony were involved the entire time. Now, that being said - the time with the kids has always been fun... I dearly love the kids... but the picking up and dropping off is hard. It's hard to see people bringing their children and picking them up knowing that you don't have anyone to pick up or drop off. It might be irrational to some of you, but it is a real thing.
I sort of talked over this issue with John, Renee's husband (K - who is on our church staff), and Renee... and then emailed our Pastor, Kevin, to let him know my thoughts and ask for his guidance and help. I don't want to quit, but I feel like I have to do it for a time right now. I don't feel like me torturing myself each week is the way for me to grow closer to God during a time when I desperately need him. (If I could think of a more desperate word than desperate - I'd use it here!)
I sort of talked over this issue with John, Renee's husband (K - who is on our church staff), and Renee... and then emailed our Pastor, Kevin, to let him know my thoughts and ask for his guidance and help. I don't want to quit, but I feel like I have to do it for a time right now. I don't feel like me torturing myself each week is the way for me to grow closer to God during a time when I desperately need him. (If I could think of a more desperate word than desperate - I'd use it here!)
So, I've asked Kevin to help me fill some other critical need on Sunday mornings outside of the nursery - but until that time I'll stay where I am... because I don't want to leave them in a bind, and I want to serve our church. I need to be doing something to help my church family - but at the same time it needs to be healthy for me... so I'll give updates on that as I get there.
Ironically, this song was the next one on the iPod yesterday morning - and I fell in love with it too. Stop and listen to this one as well... click play... close your eyes... and let the words take you where ever you need to go.
| I Need You To Love... |
Once again for those of you who are not auditory learners - here are the first few words of the song.
Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
I can't tell you the untold number of times that I've felt like that over the last week - I mean honestly - why would God stand by someone so weak that their faith and emotions falter so easily over one failed month of fertility treatments?
I guess in reality - it's the same thing as asking your parent that question after you've done something really bone-headed, like sneaking out of the house... no, I never did that!
More than that though - I really DO need God to love me right now, and help me through this... it is the hardest thing I've ever done - and easily the most painful. Never during my weight loss surgery process or struggle did I ever truly need his grace and love as much as I do with this one...
I guess that is the fundamental difference between the journey to having my body be ready for such an undertaking and moving into the portion of the journey when it is time to start focusing on that. It also has a lot to do with the crazy doctors at the beginning of the weight loss surgery journey telling me how EASY it would be to lose weight and fix everything.
I'm here to tell you, weight loss surgery has certainly put my body in a FAR better place than it was before, BUT it is not a cure-all. The only miracles out there are the ones that God provides. And right now, I need him to love me... love me enough to hold my hand until he can provide me with the miracle of motherhood.
God has been carrying you all the while...I'm just so happy that you're starting to see it! I can totally understand how it must feel working the nursery...a couple of years ago I had no relationship and my chances of ever meeting the right man and having a child seemed an impossible thing for me and I began to resent all of my friends who were happily married and getting pregnant. I've been there.
ReplyDeleteI think you're making the BEST choice for yourself right now - you're not shirking away from service to your church, you're just saying, "I'm struggling right now but I still want to serve, just in a different way." God will honor that! So many people run away from church when they are having a difficult time with something. You're doing the right thing by pressing in and seeking God whole-heartedly. You're on the right path!
I agree that working in the nursery probably isn't healthy for you while you're trying to be patient and wait on God's timing for your family! It sounds wise to do something else during this season--you'll have plenty of years to work the nursery in a later season!
ReplyDeleteFor right now, my prayers are surrounding you & John. I don't know what God plans for your family, but I know it will be a PERFECT plan with PERFECT timing!
God called me to be a counselor for a crisis pregnancy center while I was trying for a baby. There were a few times that behind my smile I was screaming inside.
ReplyDeleteKim, I can't wait till you hold that baby of yours. No matter how he or she comes to you ALL of your questions will be answered.
you know what i think about the nursery. you gotta make sure you are healthy and you have not failed if you are no longer working there. your mental and physical healthy are numero uno, right now. ;)
ReplyDeletePraying for you, Kim! He totally has a plan; hang tough and faithful and all will be revealed in HIS time. We only have that little task of patience to master ;)
ReplyDeleteFantastic! Mess and picking its remnants...life oh life!
ReplyDelete*ICLW*
I'm praying for you also. I know that God has a plan for you and your family. It's the trusting that comes difficult at times. As we all know, it will happen in HIS time. There's a reason for this period and I'm certain it's going to make your family grateful for the blessings as they come!
ReplyDeletePlease know that you're on my heart often and your family is in my prayers!
Sending my HUGS!