I struggled with writing this, because I try not to show too much of my weaknesses on this blog... but this post by JLI showed me that I'm doing a bit of a disservice to my ministry...
She even directed me to this verse:
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT) Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.
Somewhere along the way - I've also heard Jenn say something about feeling this on her blog as well.
So let me tell you a little bit about where my head is at the moment... and believe me - I'm not proud of these thoughts, BUT I feel like if I put them out there... it's not only honest, but it's also therapeutic for me - and hopefully will bring me out of this emotional funk. (read also: depression)
It's no small secret that I've been waiting, wishing and praying for a baby since the day I got married... literally... I'm one of those crazy girls that prayed for a honeymoon baby. Even tough my sister thought I was nuts, and needed some time to grow as a couple with my husband. Sure, I now see that a couple of years made us better - 4 years even... because getting through our trouble spot was the best thing for us... but 7 years is tough to swallow some days.
I prayed about having weight loss surgery as an answer to make my body healthy enough to have a child, and went through with it - as you also know. I've made some great strides at becoming healthier, but also have watched a lot of fellow weight loss surgery patients have MUCH more success than I have had.
A month or so ago - I was told that I'm finally healthy enough to be able to try for a baby, only to find out that my hormones are so out of whack that it certainly won't be as easy as originally thought.
So where does that leave me today? Feeling very betrayed by my body... I've gone through so much to achieve the ultimate goal... and really if you get down to it... the female body was designed to be able to conceive and bear children... so I find it very hard to live with the fact that up until now - and even still - my body can't do that very thing. I know that there are women out there that have no hope, and for that I know that I am fortunate... I just am in an extremely dark place about it today. Like I've said before - I've got to ride these feelings out in order to reset my inner fight - and push on through this.
In my heart, I feel that someday I will have my answered prayer - but this roller coaster is hard to ride... anyone that has been here will tell you that. If I didn't know Jesus, or have a strong support system in place... I'd surely never be able to make it through this.
Psalms 22:19 (NLT) O LORD, do not stay away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!
Psalms 23:3 (NLT) He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
It's just in my small feeble mind - the unknown time table is tough to deal with at times. How many of you out there had a plan for what your life would look like at 30? Did it look that way? Mine certainly doesn't... in some ways its greater than I imagined, but in others it is sadly lacking. I always thought that by this time, I'd have a couple of kids running around... maybe a third on the way... or be planning for that third child. Now I wonder if I'll ever have my dream of 3 children. (It was 4, but I've come to know and love John's dream of not having 4... he sees too many dollar signs beyond 3 children)
Would one child be enough for me... I think that it would, but of course I'd absolutely love having more than that. Today - I feel like I'm on my knees begging for that one child... not because it will complete me or make things better, but it is a gift that I've dreamt of for many years... motherhood is just something I know in my bones I'm meant for, and I'm just ready to begin down that path.
Sometimes I struggle with how God can let people that don't want children have them while other women out there who desperately want them can't... it is not for me to reconcile such things, but to trust in God to be in control of such situations.
Because I don't know any other way to close this - I'm going to share with you a prayer that I just said...
"God, I surrender to your plan - remind me today that you are with me and that you are in control... I pray for you to show me the power of your grace by doing things only you can do. Remind me in my heart of your words in Ephesians 3:20 - for I know that you are able to accomplish infinitely more than I would ever dare to ask or hope. I just need to feel you today because I'm struggling in a dark place. This battle is tiring at times, but I know that you won't give me more than I can handle. Please show me the way."
Oh Kim, I know this is such a difficult journey to walk through. With me an my spreadsheet plan for ttc, I can totally relate to the idea of wanting to know the WHEN. I also know you're going to get through this, and your walk with Jesus will be that much stronger for having to rely on him so much right now! I don't pretend to understand why this happens, but just know I'm praying every day for you & John!
ReplyDeleteHi Kim, Im back online and just read your post and first I dont want you to feel bad for being HUMAN,how Our Lord created you. We were designed specifically with all these crazy emotions, dont feel bad for using them. Second, there is a reason for EVERYTHING, and while it may seem crazy right now what that reason possibly could be, in time it will reveal itself. I promise.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it is time to look into alternatives and focus on your body for yourself, such as adoption, foster care etc.
And lastly, I am super Catholic, and believe completely in the intercession of prayers through specific saints and people who have passed. The FIRST MONTH I wanted to try to conceive after my WLS, my friend had a circle of prayer through the intercession of a woman named Lucille Kuchar. She was a Catholic mother of 18 and is being considered for Sainthood based on the works she did in her life for Jesus Christ. Well, as you know I became pregnant and with twins, and just last week we found out that her husband who has also passed away was a twin and she has many twins in her family. I will ask her to pray for your fertility and conception.
Im so happy to see you have such a strong faith, dont lose it!
Praying for you,
Mrs Murphy
Not much to say here. You know how I feel, especially when it comes to you and your struggles. T & I continue to pray for you & John an ourselves. You know you have a friend in me to confide as we have similar situations going on.
ReplyDeleteI know this is so tough for you guys and that really, really makes my heart hurt. You know it does. You know all the weight you could possibly lose or gain, all the crazy hormonal roller coasters, and all the doctors in the world don't have control over this. GOD DOES! and He's going to give this to you. I know He is. It's just the wait and not knowing that really sucks...
ReplyDeleteYou should talk to Davey and pick her brain too...
<3 Renee
I have worked in OB/GYN off and on for 20 years. Hormones are can be sucky especially when they are out of whack. If there is any way in your heart and soul you can 'relax' about taking any medications at the moment, then try to. You'll be amazed at how you'll feel and how your body will react and welcome a pregnancy. I've seen so many patients come and go who tried desperately every month to conceive and couldn't. It wasn't til they sort of set back in the chair and took a deep breath that they were able to. I know it sounds crazy, but having out of whack hormones along with stress/tension is not a healthy thing for your body (or mind).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're struggling. I'm sending good ovary tickling vibes your way....
I'll be praying for you as you work through this. We had a very hard time having BB. Reading your blog post certainly took me back to that time in my life. It is so very difficult to think that your dreams might not be a reality.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you as well. It's a difficult journey, but keep in mind that you have God and science working with you and for you. The human body is a strange and crazy thing. I also thought WLS would help kick my hormones back where they belong, but I was wrong as well. I hope that your hormones adjust quickly and you are able to get pregnant soon! You're in my thoughts! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou know, I have been thinking and praying what to say (and I don't know if it is what He wants yet or not).
ReplyDeleteNo one (especially Him) expects you to be Super Christian. Everytime I have been "real" with God, He has given me (at least some) peace.
I have also come to realize (in my head anyway) that there is a reason He doesn't share His timetable with us. He can and does sometimes (like in Daniel where he gives specifics) but other instances he doesn't give specifics (i.e. days of creation 24 hour days or just periods of time. He had to know there would be a debate so He could have spelled it out if He wanted).
I guess part of our surrender to Him is also surrendering the timetable. Which is really hard.
Like I said, it is just becoming head knowledge for me but is not yet heart knowledge.
I'm praying for you.